first entry
(a retroactive mission statement)
for the first time since i got this domain i created a new subdirectory in the root folder, and it's frankly kind of surreal. there are a lot more things that i know and understand now compared to the last time i tried keeping a public journal, but it's still hard to not feel overcome with doubt and confusion over such a silly and relatively trivial thing. everything feels like it's already been said by somebody else - or at least said in a better way.
at one point, i was so skeeved out by the didactic, fourth-wall-breaking tone that's overtaken practically every form of expression produced in the past 10 or so years that i thought the very act of sharing myself or anything i did was "wasteful" because it was intrinsically "performative". i spent the vast majority of my fanarting years funneling my energy into what i felt was the least consumable and most explicit art possible, so as to hopefully weed out the weak and keep their eyes and paws off my shit. simultaneously i was frantically trying to proselytize, in true fujoshi style, the concepts and greater narrative i was divining in the undertow of other people's stories; both to those around me and to my cellular reincarnations that manifest every 7 years.
somehow these conflicting beliefs and feelings were all completely real to me at the same time. as each layer upon stupid contradictory layer of internal conflict accumulated, i was increasingly desperate to live in a world where people's experiences are their own. i wanted to pretend within the confines of my own universe that the fundamental phenomenon of people simply doing things because it's pleasurable was not going extinct.
it's worthwhile to keep learning how to identify which channels of expression enable me to exist most genuinely, yet with a sense of fulfillment about describing an unusual, interesting, or familiar reflection of experience. i can be private first, public second-if-at-all, and not the other way around. i feel very comfortable with my cozy little space online; it's a good set and setting to try something new.
with all that in mind, if you stopped by to read this, thank you for spending your time with my thoughts. i feel that you're sharing yourself - your life's time and energy - with me as much as i am with you. i'm grateful our paths could cross, even if only for a moment.
.8190